Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
So gin and wine won't be happening again
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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