It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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