I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
