Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
