im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
