why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
