11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
