So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
