After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
