Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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