Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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