Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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