my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
