I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize