We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
we're making bets on your personal life
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
We left an ass print on the piano.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Randomize
