Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
