Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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