Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
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