Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
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