Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
