I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
