The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
