Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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