i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize