Jerry, you need to find god
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
you mean i was at the winter classic?
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
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