You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
