I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
