What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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