dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
