my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Randomize
