I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
She's not a foreskin expert like you
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Randomize
