I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
