things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
