I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
A bitchslap is in order.
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