Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
