OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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