so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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