I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
