I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
