He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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