i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
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