I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
