Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
