Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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