end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
