vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize