just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Randomize
