i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
