He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
