dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
