..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Randomize
