allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
tonight lets celebrate not being married
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
