o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
