I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Randomize
