I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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