last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize