His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
