He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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