Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
