you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
