I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Randomize
