I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Randomize
