I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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