Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
