There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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