cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
