your parents love me but you hate me
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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